


Cross all the Roads for You

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Desire, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-24
Updated: 2008-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaoru reflects on the past, coming to terms with all that he's lived through and all that he never managed to quite say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross all the Roads for You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ttlittlep](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ttlittlep).



> For ttlittlep, who requested this pairing off of jrock_ffrequest. Prompts: Masturbation and Romance.  
> This is because I suck and the other story was total crap. *cries*  
> Set a bit in the future.  
> Song: "The Story" by Brandi Carlile

Kaoru let a soft sigh pass his lips as he removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He felt weary after even just a few hours of work these days. Maybe it was years worth of going at everything full-speed or maybe it was the remnants of the cold he'd caught last week. Either way it wasn't a pleasant feeling to not be all that he used to be. It made him feel old and as if he was heading full-force into being useless.

He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Slowly letting it out, he let go of everything currently haunting him. Too much paperwork, too many phone calls he hadn't returned, and a million more things echoing in the background of his mind. At the age of forty-three he felt like a ninety year old man. He supposed he could blame all the alcohol in his youth or maybe that he'd never stopped going for so long.

Slowly, forcefully, he cleared his mind, allowing himself one of the rare occasions where he let the past come crashing down on him. Memories seemed to swarm around him in the tiny air-conditioned room like a thousand tiny insects hell-bent on making his heart ache.

_Kaoru sat in a tiny coffeehouse, his fingers tightly wrapped around a small cup of burning hot liquid that didn't quite make the mark to even be called coffee. It was all he could afford, but at least the warmth gave him something on the cold morning._

_He'd been called earlier in the week by someone going by the name of Kyo. The man had seen him with his band CHARM and wanted to invite him to be the guitarist in his band. Kaoru hadn't quite caught the name of the new band - La-something. At first he'd been apprehensive about it. After all, it'd been a while since he'd even seen the members of his current band and did one really retain the memory of a dream they'd all but given up on? He'd avoided returning Kyo's calls for almost two weeks, practicing feverishly in his spare few minutes each night when he got home from work._

_Finally, he'd given up and answered when the other man had called late one night, just as he was leaving his workplace. It'd been a split-second decision. He just picked up the phone and said "I'll do it" nothing more, nothing less. Kyo had sounded smug, as if he'd known Kaoru would eventually give in. Maybe he thought he was the king of the whole damn world - and maybe he was. Who was Kaoru to judge?_

_The conversation had led him to where he currently sat - shivering in the tiny cafe in a town he barely knew._

_A bell jingled over the door and Kaoru looked up to find a young, short, blonde man accompanied by a taller man with shockingly red hair entering the cafe. He took one look at them and instantly knew the shorter one was Kyo. The power he conveyed by simply existing was enough to tell him who he was. He lifted a hand and the pair converged on him, the red-head smiling bright enough to light the entire room._

_It was a short conversation, Kyo telling Kaoru where to go and when for practice and the other, who Kyo introduced as Die, just sitting quietly by his side. To Kaoru, it was odd. The taller man didn't seem to hold half the power that Kyo did, and yet the dynamic between them seemed to be everything and nothing at the same time._

_When they all stood to part, no official goodbyes were said. Kyo just gave a slight bow and Die hastily followed suit. Kaoru watched them go, a slightly sick feeling in his gut. Part of him felt right about his decision to give up what little he had to pursue his dream, but the other half screamed trouble._

Kaoru shifted in his seat, letting his hand lay across the desk in front of him, his glasses clutched tightly in his hand.

He wouldn't take back that moment for anything. No matter how rough things had been over the years, no matter how many times he'd gone home and felt like a complete failure - if only because he had been at points. No matter what had befallen them all, there was one thing he could always count on - unity of the group.

A gentle smile crossed his lips as he allowed the next memory to overcome him.

_Kisaki stood in the middle of the filthy practice room. Anger radiated off the man in waves, like a shocking ripple that didn't belong in the air around them all. Kyo stood in front of him, his anger by far the clearer of the two, despite the fact that he was keeping it far better under control._

_Die and Shinya had long since left with the excuse of getting lunch. But Kaoru had felt obligated to remain behind. It was almost as if he'd known what was coming - expected it somehow. The underlying tension had been growing for months and eventually it had to snap. He stood with his back against the wall, his eyes wide as he watched the two men confront each other._

_Nasty words were slung on both parts; most of them not even touching who they were directed at. Neither seemed fazed until Kyo launched himself at Kisaki, screaming obsenities at the top of his lungs._

_Kaoru watched as blood was drawn, watched as things fell apart right under his nose and he couldn't do a thing about it. Something snapped inside him as Kisaki punched Kyo so hard he blacked out. He flung himself at Kisaki, screaming and pulling until the other man calmed down and let Kyo go. He watched as Kyo fell to the floor, as if in slow motion._

_"Go to hell. Keep the damn band, but we're quitting. I can't take this anymore and he doesn't need it." Kaoru let go of Kisaki and picked up his friend with quite a bit of struggle, leaving the practice room and a whole chunk of his life behind._

Of course, Die and Shinya had followed, not wanting to be stuck with a power-freak like Kisaki. They'd found another bassist - Toshiya - in a fairly short amount of time and even ran a test gig under a hastily created name. Everything had gone so smoothly that the decision had been made to stick together and actually make the temporary band a reality. Dir en grey had been formed and Kaoru had become leader, being the only one willing to take on such a task.

Years had flown past, singles and albums coming and going like the tides. And through every bit of it, Kaoru had pulled as much as he could handle, if not more. Never because he had to, but because it was what he did.

Kaoru blinked as the phone on the desk started ringing. He glanced at it, recognizing the number as one of their sales reps, simply let it go to voicemail. This was personal time - in his case, a rare and cherished occasion.

_Kaoru stared out the front window of the van, his eyes burning from the makeup that he hadn't quite gotten off after their gig. He glanced back at the others, all of them sprawled out across the seats, looking equally as tired as he felt._

_He smiled as he watched Die lift a hand and toss a wadded up piece of paper at Kyo's head. Kyo pushed himself up and scowled at Die._

_Something struck Kaoru as wrong. A nagging feeling in his gut that wouldn't quite leave him alone. He felt sick, as though at any second he'd lose the little bit of water he'd consumed after the show. He stared back at them and shook his head, words slipping from his mouth before he even realized what he was saying._

_"Seatbelts... put on seatbelts."_

_Kyo and Die looked up, both of them looking grumpy, but doing as they were told. After all, Kaoru was the leader and you do what the leader says to do. Kyo poked at Toshiya with his foot, telling him to buckle up. Die checked Shinya's, but the blonde already had his on. Toshiya's belt snapped into place with a resounding click._

_Kaoru turned back to look out the front window, watching the scenery fly by. Less than a minute later something caught his eye out his window. He was about to turn and look when something smashed into the side of the car, shattering his window. Tires screeched and Kaoru screamed louder than it all, the side of his face burning like it was on fire. His head smacked into the dashboard and he blacked out._

_Hours later, Kaoru awoke in the hospital. One worried set of eyes peered at him from beneath red hair. He reached out his hand and Kyo took it, squeezing it and collapsing onto the side of the bed, his small frame shaking as his body was wracked with sobs. Kaoru watched as his friend broke down. He'd never seen Kyo look so upset in all the time he'd known him. Just watching him was enough to rip his own heart out._

_He reached out and laid his hand on the other's head, gently stroking until Kyo looked back up at him._

_"I almost lost you..." Just the way Kyo said it had so many things written beneath the surface: four simple words speaking a million words._

_Kaoru let his hand slip down the side of Kyo's face. "But I'm here."_

_"You saved us, Kao... if you hadn't told us-"_

_Kaoru pressed his finger against Kyo's lips. "But I did."_

_Kyo smiled weakly, his cheeks still wet from the tears he'd shed. And that smile meant the world to Kaoru._

Kaoru swiped his hand across his cheek, feeling the wetness there. He was crying. He couldn't feel it, but he was crying. It had to come from the ache buried so deep in his chest - the one he'd denied for so many years.

He reached out to pick up the water he'd left sitting on the desk, pausing with his hand outstretched as he watched it shake with his emotions. So much bottled up and never let out. One day he was bound to explode. ...Maybe today was that day.

_Kyo lay on his back, staring up at the white ceiling of the hotel room as he idly flipped single cards out onto the floor from his left hand._

_Kaoru watched each card as it left the other man's hand, a half-amused smile on his face. "I hope you know you're picking those up."_

_The black-haired vocalist shrugged as he turned his head toward Kaoru. "So?" He flipped one straight into Kaoru's face._

_Kaoru batted it away at the last second, a broad smile filling his face. "Brat."_

_Kyo laughed and rolled back over. "You know you love me anyway."_

_The smile suddenly felt strained, as if he was forcing it to remain on his lips. He stared at the other man, his heart feeling like it was going to shrivel up and die in his chest. A dull ache spread out from his chest and settled heavy in his limbs. A peculiar feeling, but one known to him all too well lately. Maybe this was what it felt like to have your heart ripped out._

Kaoru let his hand fall, forgetting all about the water he'd been reaching for. A dull throb entered his chest and he brought his hand to it, lightly rubbing. These days he couldn't tell if it was heartache or something he should get checked out by a doctor. Really, it all felt the same. Heartsick or really sick - all the same damn pain.

He pushed his chair back and propped his feet up on the desk, leaning back in the chair.

So many years he'd known what really lay in his heart, known his own feelings and realized they weren't going to change. But that never changed the fact that he could never let them be known.

He wasn't completely stupid. He knew, for one, that if Kyo ever even suspected how he felt, the man would have treated him differently. All the hugs and smiles he'd received over the years never would have come. And honestly, that was all that had sustained him through everything he'd touched since he'd realized how he felt.

He closed his eyes, breathing out a sigh and trying hard to think of something far more pleasant.

_Kaoru opened his eyes to a darkened room. Blinking a few times, he vaguely made out a nightstand and another bed with someone in it. It slowly registered that he was in a hotel room on tour with the band. His sleep-fogged brain struggled to catch up, telling him he had been awakened for a reason._

_He shifted a little, stifling a yawn as he stretched. It was the middle of the night, so why on earth was he awake?_

_A soft moan from the other bed provided him with an answer. He arched an eyebrow as he reached out for the light switch, intending to wake Kyo and tell him he was having lurid dreams again._

_Just as his hand touched the switch, Kyo shoved the covers of his bed down and moaned again, his slim form arching up from the bed. Kaoru gazed at the other man, his eyes wide and his breath stuck in his throat. Kyo's hand moved fast over his arousal, bringing him closer and closer to the edge. Within seconds he came, a final sound of pleasure leaving his lips as his cum splattered across his sweat-slicked chest, shining in the slight amount of light in the room._

_Kaoru pulled his hand away from the light switch and closed his eyes tight, praying Kyo didn't realize he was awake. The last thing he needed was for the other man to find him buried under the covers, just as aroused as Kyo had been mere seconds ago._

A soft knock yanked Kaoru from the memory and he quickly sat up, slipping his feet off the desk and rolling the chair back under it. His cheeks felt heated and he knew he was blushing like a schoolgirl with her first crush. But then, who could blame him, he'd just been thinking of his co-worker and best friend in a manner that had placed a significant tent in his pants.

He cleared his throat. "Come in."

He reached out for the water bottle he'd tried to get earlier, this time grabbing it and chugging down enough of it he felt like he was going to drown in it. When he lifted his eyes to greet whoever it was that had come in so late at night, he met soft brown orbs and a gentle smile.

"Kyo..." It wasn't the best of greetings, but at least it didn't give away everything he was feeling. He offered a small smile as he set the plastic bottle back down on the desk and carefully crossed his legs. "What's up?"

Kyo shrugged as he sauntered over and shoved some papers out of his way. He pushed himself up onto the desk so that his legs dangled over the side. "Just figured you'd still be here... you're always here."

Kaoru ducked his head and smiled to himself. Typical Kyo... sweet, caring, typical Kyo. He sighed softly and started to gather the papers Kyo had messed up.

Kyo's hand came out and pressed against his own. "Leave them. They'll wait on you." When Kaoru met his eyes, he continued. "You work yourself into the ground... and for what? It's stuff anyone could do and you force yourself to be the one to do it. I'm not blind, Kao...." Silence permiated the room, filling it and expanding until Kaoru felt like he would suffocate. Only then did Kyo say what he'd come to say. "What are you hiding from me?"

Kaoru stared up at the blonde, his lips slightly parted in surprise. Sure, Kyo had always been able to read him, but this one was one of the more unexpected times. What was he going to tell him that he'd honestly believe? The truth wasn't exactly something he could blurt out - nor did he want to. He could just see the horrified look on Kyo's face, could see those beautiful brown eyes darkening in anger or pity.

He slowly drew his hand away and focused on anything but Kyo. "I... I'm not trying to hide anything. It's just not something you can help me with."

"I can at least listen. You know I'm here for you. I always have been."

Kaoru inwardly cringed as he bowed his head, watching as his fingers twisted endlessly in his lap. A nervous habit he'd never been able to break. The instant he'd given up smoking, this had come back to haunt him. He longed for a cigarette. Anything to give him something to do besides speak to the man sitting in front of him.

Kyo sighed and Kaoru knew he had no other choice. He had to come up with something or Kyo would never leave him alone. "I was just thinking..."

"About?"

"The past. Everything that's happened over the years... and everything that hasn't."

"Mmm..." Kyo shifted so that he was sitting with one foot curled under him and one still dangling off the side of the desk. "Good or bad?"

"Both... every memory has a good and a bad part, doesn't it?"

Kyo nodded, his eyes thoughtful as he gazed past Kaoru. "Do you regret things?"

"Sometimes."

"Right now?"

"Yes." Kaoru returned his eyes to his lap, watching his fingers continue their intricate dance with one another.

"If you could change one thing... what would it be?" Kyo didn't sound like he was just asking for the hell of it, rather he seemed to have a purpose in his question - as though he himself had an answer.

Kaoru swallowed hard at the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. "I... one thing...." He sat there, already knowing his answer, but trying desperately to come up with something else to tell the other man. The only thing he truly wanted to change was being honest years ago and letting Kyo know how he felt. Maybe at least then he could have done without all the heartache over the years: just have gotten it all over with in a few short minutes.

"I'd change my temper. I regret all those times I blew up at all of you, all the things I said I never meant. Anger is a hateful thing." As Kyo spoke, Kaoru could feel those brown eyes burning into him, as though Kyo were looking right past the exterior and directly at his soul.

Kaoru uncrossed his legs and re-crossed them the opposite direction. He felt uneasy. Kyo had just been so openly honest in his answer, what right did he have to be dishonest in return? He sighed as he lifted his eyes to meet the other man's. Kyo's eyes sparkled with life, with a vitality that Kaoru envied. They fed him strength and he took a shaky breath. "If I could change one thing, I'd go back and be honest with myself and you years ago. I'd have told you everything I felt and saved myself years of lies. And more than that, I'd have saved myself this moment." He offered a small smile, as if asking for forgiveness, as he stood up and reached out to pick up his glasses.

Just as he touched the wire frames, Kyo's hand closed over his own, stopping him. He felt frozen in place, the warmth of Kyo's touch and the panic in his heart dueling for dominance in his body. He let out the softest, most pathetic sound as he tried to yank his hand away. But Kyo kept a firm hold, refusing to let go.

"Kao... look at me." A voice like a melody, bittersweet and filled to the brim with every sin imaginable.

Kaoru raised his eyes to meet Kyo's, knowing deep inside that his entire world had just been dumped upside down. He tried to offer a weak smile, but it faltered and fell away like the lie it was.

"I don't mean just look at me. I mean _look_ , Kao... really look."

Kaoru forced himself to breathe as he stared into Kyo's eyes, searched his face for so many answers he never bothered to search for before, dreading those answers and cowering away in fear all these years. Kindness and patience showed in every line of the other man's face. The gentle smile on his lips radiated caring and a hidden happiness that never died. And more that all of that, his eyes shone brightly with such depth that Kaoru couldn't even begin to read it.

Kyo reached out with his free hand, gently running it down Kaoru's cheek. "You really do think I'm blind. But truly, it is you who are blind, not I."

Kaoru's brow creased in confusion, his every action making it clear he still wasn't quite on the same page as Kyo.

The blonde lowered his eyes and shook his head. "You're so lost in your own world- a world where you can't achieve perfection, a world where you torture yourself over stupid little things. But you're so lost in it that you can't see truth if it's shoved right in your face. That's why we make such a good team. I ground you here and you help me to let go of the lines that bind reality. But, Kao..." he looked up, his hand cupping Kaoru's cheek as he leaned in closer, "I've seen your world. I've lived there for years, step-for-step, right beside you. Words have never been the issue. Willingness to admit it to yourself has been. But now... now you've taken that last step. And I'm still standing right beside you, right where I always will be." He closed the last bit of distance between them, pressing his lips lightly against Kaoru's.

It was fleeting, just a momentary contact. But it was more than enough to convey what it needed to. More than enough to raise Kaoru's pulse and pull him from the depths he'd thrown himself into. And far more than enough to teach him all that Kyo had wanted to.

Kaoru closed his eyes and he leaned into the other man, his arms coming up to wrap around him and pull him close. Kyo let him, gently returning the action. When he pulled away, he simply stepped back and held out his hand.

Kyo slid off the desk, picking up Kaoru's glasses and tucking them into his pocket as he took Kaoru's hand. "Give me a chance to lead for once."

Kaoru smiled as they left the studio, hand-in-hand. Maybe memories weren't such awful things to dwell upon after all.

 

**The End**


End file.
